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Jen Pollock Michel

( author + writer + speaker )

Monday's Menu: Pie Crust Debacle

After another attempt at pie crust baking this weekend (4 failures, 4 successes), I am benevolently passing along my lessons learned. (It's sweet of me, I know.) 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Pie Baking

  1. DO verify that you have all required ingredients/supplies before calling your neighbor twice and sending your husband to the store once. (And hypothetically speaking, let’s just say that, upon his return, you discover you’re short on flour?!)
  2. DON’T taste the pie dough as you work with it. After all the butter you consume, you will have to run tomorrow, and you know how much you hate to exercise.
  3. DO station above-mentioned husband at the second entrance of your galley kitchen (the first entrance having already been blocked by the bi-fold door you’ve closed): give him a rolling pin with the instructions to channel Teddy Roosevelt and keep the kids out of the kitchen. Speak softly and carry a big rolling pin.
  4. DON’T attempt your inexpert skills of pie baking the day of your 38th birthday, unless of course you enjoy standing six solid hours in the kitchen because the first four crusts you make are a complete flop.
  5. DO loudly exclaim, “Geez Louise!” when you realize that your first attempts are a complete failure and your eleven-year old is standing at your shoulder.
  6. DON’T button your four-year-old son’s pants, serve afternoon snacks, or fill water guns when you’re intently cutting in the butter for your 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th crusts. Ask above-mentioned 11-year-old to help her younger brothers.
  7. DO call your friend from whom you took a pie baking course. When she doesn’t answer either her home phone or her cell phone, consider terminating the friendship.
  8. DO NOT drink the vodka you’re borrowed from your neighbor: it’s for the pie crust, dummy.
  9. DO consult Google with search terms like, "Pie Crust Troubleshooting." For kicks, try, "I'm an idiot," just for fun.
  10. DO NOT give up: there’s rhubarb at stake.